


Reflection (Who am I without you?)

by derelover



Series: Reddie/Disney [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Brief Eddie death, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak character study, Eddie deserves to be happy, Fix-it fic, He Doesn't Really Die, M/M, Mulan's Reflection song fic, Promise, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Song fic, other things inspire me, some inspiration came from folklore and songs in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derelover/pseuds/derelover
Summary: Eddie doesn't recognize his reflection in the mirror and when he comes back to Derry, he starts to rediscover who he is.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Reddie/Disney [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910797
Kudos: 17





	Reflection (Who am I without you?)

**Author's Note:**

> Whew. This one was a lot of work lol. I'm pretty proud of this one. Eddie has to be my favorite character ever really. Probably because I can relate to him so much. Anyway, I hope I got his character right. I might do Richie's pov in the future with another Disney song or something of that nature, we'll see. Enjoy:)

_ Look at Me. _

Eddie stared at himself in the mirror, wondering when he came to be this way. He didn’t even really recognize his own reflection. He felt as if he was looking at some forty-year-old man that had stolen his real body. He carefully lifted his olive-skinned hands to his face and ran his fingers over the frown lines on his face. Frown lines. Eddie had a strange feeling they weren’t always frowned lines, but something else. Laughing lines? He couldn’t remember the last time he genuinely laughed. 

_ I will never pass for a perfect bride or a perfect daughter.  _

Eddie sighed as he remembered himself proposing to Myra. It was everything an ordinary proposal should have been. He and Myra were sitting in a fancy, Italian restaurant with all the fucking trimmings in its proper place and he remembered feeling no nervousness or those peculiar butterflies he’s heard others speak of. Maybe he had loved her so much that he could feel no sense of doubt? Or perhaps, he hadn’t felt any repercussions in her possible rejection. She cried like most women did when they were proposed to and said the impending  _ yes Eddie. _

  
He knew he would be safe with her, somehow. As if he was searching for something he had lost not so long ago. His mother had died of cancer not so long ago. Eddie was without her for only a few months before he had met Myra and in those few months, Eddie was...confused. He had felt sad that his only remaining family was gone, died from fucking  _ cancer  _ of all the illnesses she had warned him of since he could talk back. He had felt  _ relief _ , as fucked up as that was. But he knew it wasn’t too abnormal considering he had never even gone  _ outside  _ before without some sort of warning to  _ be careful Eddie bear _ and he had been a thirty-year-old man. He had felt confused because all his life he had desperately wanted to escape the clutches of his mother. He wasn’t quite sure why though. 

He knew his mom had been overbearing and spiteful and yet...he had a gut-wrenching feeling  there had been something driving his need to get away from her. Why would he want to get away from someone who was only trying to protect him? What had she been afraid of? What had  _ he  _ been afraid of? So he had felt empty in his relief to try all the things he always wanted to do when he realized he wasn’t even sure what those things  _ were _ . So yes, he had been confused when his mother died. 

_ Can it be I’m not meant to play this part? _

He supposed that’s why he quickly latched onto Myra because it allowed him to have his security blanket of not having to worry about  _ who  _ he is when someone isn’t telling him what he should be. Eddie does know one thing for sure though. His mother and Myra would hate the real Eddie. The Eddie who longed for the rush you get from riding a roller coaster. The Eddie who loved to yell. The Eddie who needed to be paid attention to, no matter what.

He remembered when he and Myra went to an office party for her work. There had been all of her coworkers there and he felt suffocated with Myra’s arm tightly wound around him, preventing him from  _ moving rapidly  _ and  _ getting loud. _ Why did he want to be loud? Every time he had tried to butt into the conversation, Myra would shoot him a look, the same condescending look he had gotten from his mother as if to say  _ I didn’t permit you to interrupt, sweetie(Eddie bear).  _ So he just...closed his mouth and it had felt so fucking wrong, so unbearably  _ wrong _ . 

_ Now I see that if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart. _

  
Eddie dug his fingernails into his palms. He just wants to _leave, to escape for a while._ Is that too much to fucking ask? “I don’t understand why you’re putting me through this Eddie! You were _just_ in a car accident and now you want to go flying off to God knows where with a bunch of strangers?!” He  grits his teeth. “Myra, I was not hurt from the car crash, I’m fine. And they are not strangers, they were...my friends, from school.” 

They’d had to have been school friends, right? Where else would he find  _ friends _ ? Myra paced back and forth in their pristine living room. “People you haven’t seen in  _ decades _ ? Over some  _ stupid _ promise, you made as  _ children _ ? You’re leaving me for that?” Big, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. Eddie took a deep breath at that, an unfamiliar yet so tantalizingly familiar feeling of pure  _ fire  _ overtook him. “It’s  _ more  _ than that and I’m not leaving you! I’m just going for a few days! It will be fine!” He shouted, feeling more alive than he had for a while. Defiantment, it feels right. 

“ _ I knew you would leave me, Eddie! _ ” And just like that, the fire was gone, he deflated. Those words...why did he hate those words so much? Why did they make him feel so empty as if someone had reached into him and stolen something important? “I leave in the morning. I won’t argue about it anymore.” Those words have always felt unnatural on his lips. He wonders why. He goes upstairs to get ready, without another word.

______________

_ Who is that girl I see? _

Eddie glanced at his reflection as he was packing endless toiletries in his huge suitcases. He doesn’t remember anything from his youth, not really. The first memory he can recall without it being blurry was the moment he decided to finally leave his mother and go to New York City for school when he was eighteen. He cannot fathom how he decided to do something so  _ brave.  _

Eddie always thought he was the opposite of brave. He constantly worried about the next thing that could make him sick or hurt. Eddie always feels his skin crawl every time he brushes against a stranger in the subway, or even touches the sticky subway pole. Why had he ever decided to move to  _ New York fucking City _ of all places? It had to be one of the dirtiest places on Earth. The aroma was a nauseating mixture of weed and urine, with garbage on the streets everywhere. 

There must have been something,  _ someone _ , that would have inspired this choice. How wonderful life must be to not worry about such things… To live life to its fullest, in the city that never sleeps. Eddie always wanted to be a part of it. Someone who would just get up and  _ go _ , go live in so many different cultures, eat so many different foods that he never got the chance to eat...allergies. He has so many allergies. So many...setbacks to living. He wants to live. He wants  _ inspiration  _ to live. Eddie wants to appreciate each day given to him, without worrying why he’s still about to live it.

He has a job. A job that he doesn’t quite enjoy. He can’t figure out why. Somehow, he always knew he loved to analyze things. Perhaps it was  _ what  _ he analyzed that bothered him.  _ Risks _ ... its something he never stopped worrying about. He supposes that’s why he’s so good at it and why he  _ can’t  _ live.

He has a wife. Eddie knows this is something that shouldn’t be a setback. But it is. _She is_. Myra...does not live. At least not the way it should be. She constantly worried about the weather, what it could do to them. The germs on subways. The people...the _different_ _people_ that could harm them. Criminals, people that sell drugs, _gay people_... 

Eddie shuddered and tried to shake off his thoughts, and continued packing.  _ Let’s see... supplements, shirts, shoes, allergy meds… _

______________

_ Staring straight back at me. _

  
“I’m allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, uh gluten, and if I eat a cashew, I could realistically die... _holy shit_.” It felt like waking up from a  dream, no... _ a nightmare  _ when he saw Mike and Bill for the first time in twenty-seven years. The life he had been living was not his own. It couldn’t have been… He started to feel as if he was getting a part of himself back that he had dearly missed.

There was a ringing in his ears from the gong that was banged. And it got even louder when Eddie looked up. “This meeting of The Loser’s Club has officially begun.” He vaguely heard himself say something stupid and awkward while he tried to compose himself. It was like… he didn’t even know  _ how  _ to describe what it felt like to see him again.

_ Richie. _

Eddie feels as though his…  _ reflection  _ is staring back at him. Not in the sense that they looked and acted alike, but in a way where he was seeing the person who made him a part of  _ who _ he was. Like seeing Bill and Mike again but… more. He felt another big piece of the puzzle that had been himself for so long fall into place. This is who Eddie was before he had learned civility. He used to shout, be playful, stupid, every youthful characteristic he could think of. Before he became an adult who worried about everything. The only real thing Eddie was ever aware of in his youth was… Richie.

“So wait, Eddie, you got married?” Eddie could feel the alcohol making him looser, more himself, but he knew it wasn’t the liquor in reality. “Yeah, why is it so fucking funny, dickwad?” Maybe he could use it as an excuse. An excuse as to why he was so  _ loud  _ all of a sudden. “What, to like a woman?” He felt his blood run cold at the joke, he  _ knew  _ he was joking, that’s who Richie was. But it still got to him. “ _ Fuck you, bro. _ ” But Richie just laughed. Eddie was trying too hard. Too hard to be… neutral? That couldn’t be it. He never felt neutral with Richie. It was always too much of something. Too much noise, too much cursing, too much _ feelings _ , too much everything. 

“No, I got married.” Eddie was confused. Why did that… bother him? That couldn’t be right. Maybe he just didn’t like the idea of Richie doing something so… grown-up. Eddie knew, logically, that they were all adults now and he has married himself, along with Bill and Bev. But something about  _ Richie  _ doing that just didn’t feel right. He was eternally youthful and Eddie would always be jealous of that.

“Yeah no, me and your mom are very, very happy right now.” Eddie was scowling as all his friends laughed. But it was a happy scowl if that made sense? As they all settled down, Bev declared, “I propose a toast, to the losers.” When they all cheered and drank, Eddie felt his inhibitions slipping even more as they all socialized.

“ _ Let’s take our shirts off and kiss. _ ” Can Eddie find an excuse for this? He was trying to… distract Richie at the stupid arm-wrestling that he never managed to beat him at, even when they were both scrawny kids. Why did he think  _ that _ would distract Richie? It didn’t matter anyway, he had lost again and now he can’t stop thinking and regretting his own words. He had carefully crafted “dudes” and “bros” around himself because he just wasn’t ready to face it. The possibility that he really, truly never knew who he was for the past twenty-seven years. But Eddie knew he had never felt more like himself than he had today with the Losers.

Pennywise…

He needs his fucking inhaler. It was always his security blanket. Some kids had worn out bears and blankets, he had two fanny packs and an inhaler.  _ Would you like a blowjob for ten cents?  _ Eddie started hyperventilating, searching for an inhaler he no longer has. He felt like a million insects were crawling on his skin. He wasn’t dirty… he  _ can’t  _ be. 

Eddie cowered behind Ben as literal insect-like creatures tormented them out of fortune cookies. “ _ Eddie! _ ” He distinctly heard a concerned voice call  out for him in all the chaos. He appreciated that voice that cared for him. He had always heard it in times of crisis. When he was having an asthma attack, he was there with a spare inhaler when he needed it. When everyone thought they were going to die in Neibolt that day, he was there, his comforting voice and cool hands on his cheeks. He never did forget that day until it was taken from him. How could he? It was the first time he felt truly cared for without conditions attached to it. 

______________

_ Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? _

He thinks he knows the answer to that question now. Eddie had only felt like himself when he was with people who truly appreciated him for who he was, his friends. Richie. As Eddie walked back to the townhouse, covered in everything he was always afraid of, he thought about the decision he made earlier today. To divorce Myra. To live his own life to the fullest.

Eddie can’t believe it. He married an exact replica of his mother. That flashback… she had said the same thing Myra always said to him.  _ I knew you would leave me, Eddie _ . They always held him back from living his life, from who he wanted to be. He never meant to leave her. He did love her. Even though she had treated him that way. But… he had been more scared of that leaper than his own mother being in danger. There was something critical in that fucking clown using a leaper against him. He knew it was obviously because he was afraid of illness, but what else? 

_ Would you like a blowjob for ten cents? _ Eddie remembers the feeling he got when he choked the leaper. He had felt empowered like he was choking  _ every _ single burden he ever had. He just wasn’t quite ready to admit what exactly those other burdens were.  _ Take it one day at a time, Eddie. _

______________

_ Somehow I cannot hide. _

“You had a moment, fine. But who killed a psychotic clown before he was fourteen?” Eddie doesn’t know why Richie is bringing this up. They  _ all _ had done that. He was still a coward. He hates himself for almost letting Richie… he couldn’t even finish the thought. Richie could never die. “Who stabbed Bowers with a knife that he pulled out of his own face?”  _ Oh. That was me _ . What is he…? Eddie felt more confident in his answers now. He supposes he had done  _ some  _ brave things. 

“Who married a woman ten times his own body mass?” He lifted his brow at that. He knew Richie would make a joke in this heartfelt speech of his but it was so utterly  _ Richie  _ that he couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed. Or wonder why he would bring her up in the first place. He doesn’t want to be with her anymore.  _ He wants…  _ “Me.” Richie smiled the most beautiful smile Eddie had ever seen. “Yeah.” Eddie never wanted to see any other expression on his face. Richie should always be that happy.  _ He wants _ … “ _ You’re braver than you think _ .”  _ He wants Richie _ . He sees him for who he is. “Right, thanks, Rich.” He patted his cheek and Eddie thinks, he can’t wait to get out of here so he can tell Richie…  _ Tell him what? _ What exactly does he  _ want  _ from Richie?

______________

_ Who I am. _

“Richie, make it sit.” As they fawned over the pomeranian together, Eddie couldn’t help think, _this is nice_. He wants… to always feel this way with Richie. A natural sense of belonging. Something he had been missing with his relationship with Myra. He already knew what a relationship with Richie was like. Well, a friendship really. But were those dynamics really all that different? He had always felt the only real difference was having a sexual relationship with someone who wasn’t a friend. You still feel that joy from spending time with both, that pain from losing them. There was a very thin line between friendship and relationships. Maybe, a relationship type of love was more meaningful because you just know that person _choose_ to be with you for their _entire_ life. 

He thinks he and Richie have that type of relationship. The kind where you never want to be apart from them. In their youth, when Eddie had to say goodbye to his friends, he never quite felt that forlorn when he said goodbye to Richie. He had begun to miss him before he even got on his bike. The person Eddie wanted to be was the person who had been by Richie’s side since they were ten years old.

_ Though I’ve tried. _

Eddie did always want to be the person his mom wanted him to be. Before he met the Losers or Richie. He knew his mom had just worried about him. After his dad died when he was five years old from  _ cancer, _ (he really fucking  _ hated  _ cancer and wondered if he should check out that mole) his mother  _ never  _ stopped obsessing over illnesses. He thinks she was trying to distract herself from the pain of losing his dad. She knew she wouldn’t be strong enough to lose her son, so she took it out on Eddie. But he realized those issues his mother had were only her own, and he hadn’t been responsible for adapting to her ways of… not living. Eddie was meant to  _ live _ . 

Eddie had tried the same thing with Myra. He wanted to make her happy and to do that, he couldn’t be himself. He couldn’t be loud, go out and do something without thinking twice about it, show  _ true _ passion. Richie… he was always completely content with being himself around him and Richie never questioned him. His mother and Myra had been a physical being acting as anxiety holding him back but Richie was the physical being acting as  _ carefree _ pushing him over the edge, every time.

_ When will my reflection show who I am inside? _

______________

Eddie froze at the entrance of the cave. All he could see was blinding beams from the deadlights.  _ Richie _ … he had to save him. Was he brave enough? He now knew who he really was thanks to his friends. Eddie needed it to show on the  _ outside _ . “This kills monsters. If you believe it does, if you believe it does,  _ if you believe it does _ !” He started running towards the monster. He did believe. “Beep beep, motherfucker!” It was a blur of pure adrenaline after that. He felt pure relief and joy as he went on top of Richie, pulling him out of the deadlights. He was a little disappointed he did, as he almost wanted to pull a Ben Hanscome at that moment.  _ That’s  _ how much he felt at that precious point in time, however brief it was. 

And then there was pain. So  _ much _ pain. He saw the look in Richie’s eyes when his own blood splattered on him. He just looked… like he had gotten impaled himself. When he was pulled away, he frantically thought  _ no!  _ It couldn’t end that way with Richie… he had to tell him… to tell him…

Eddie felt himself shutting down. So, this is what he had been afraid of his whole life. It wasn’t so bad if he was being honest. The physical pain was what he thought it was going to be, unbearable, but… that pain didn’t compare to the uncertainty of seeing Richie again before he died. He hoped he was proud of him. He had been brave, after all. That’s all he had ever wanted from himself. But maybe not quite  _ all _ .

When Richie met his eyes, he was relieved. He was going to get to see him after all. That’s good. He knows Richie would be unhappy if they didn’t get one last joke in. Richie didn’t look like he wanted to make a joke ever again.  _ That won’t do _ , Eddie thought tiredly. Richie was meant to be smiling. That’s the last thing he wanted to see.  _ Richie _ . “Hey Richie, I gotta tell you something.” Eddie doesn’t think Richie has ever looked at him so softy,  _ without  _ restraint. “Yeah, what’s up, buddy?”

Eddie thought of everything that made them Richie and Eddie. The bickering, the constant  _ need  _ for attention, the anger, the joy, the hammock,  _ oh happy and desperate was he to be in the hammock with him, always _ ,  the mom jokes… he never did make one himself. That has to make Richie laugh. “I fucked your mother.” He laughed but choked on his blood.  _ Worth it _ . But then he saw Richie wasn’t laughing. Why wasn’t he laughing?

After that, Richie just watched over Eddie, the quietest he’s ever been. Eddie was happy he could help beat the clown. The clown was the reason Richie was sad. Eddie was happy he got to see him before… well. He does wish Richie had laughed. But maybe that was too much to ask for when he was dying. Maybe he never thought Richie would be affected this way. Eddie knows how he would’ve wanted Richie. He wanted to  _ be _ with him. It was always where he was meant to be.  _ Eddie never thought he would recognize his own reflection without even being able to see it. _ He thought of everyone. Bill, Bev, Ben, Mike,  _ Stanley _ … Richie. Richie… please come back and say something before I go. Say you fucked my mom, call me Eds… you know I-

The last thing Eddie heard was the Losers happy about defeating It. Happy… he wished he would have had the chance to be happy, himself.  _ Live. _

_ When will my reflection show who I am inside? _

______________

Eddie woke up to the sounds of beeping.  _ I’m… alive? How? _ He reluctantly opened his brown eyes to find Richie’s staring back at him. “Eddie.” He breathed. “You're awake.”  _ Richie?  _ “How am I here?” He rasped. Jesus, he needed water. That was when Richie broke down. “Eds… I couldn’t let you go. The Losers tried to drag me out and I  _ knew  _ you were alive, somehow. I just…” He sighs. “Are you feeling ok?”

Eddie was bewildered. Drag him out? He… wanted to save me. Why? Then Eddie thought of all the ways Richie wanted to make him laugh in their  youth. The constant nicknames, your mom jokes, anything really. He thought of the way Richie never seemed  _ truly  _ bothered when he forced himself in that small hammock. The fond annoyance every time Eddie stuck his feet in his face, trying to get Richie’s attention in his own way. While Richie always used words, Eddie used his body language. He thought of every ice cream they shared, every glance, every accidental (on purpose) touches, every splash war in the quarry. Eddie thought of everything. 

“Richie… what do you feel for me?” He blurted out.  _ Oh nice going, Eddie! You idiot! _ Richie looked like he was in agony from the question. “What do you mean?” Eddie was surprised he was trying to deny it, rather than covering it up with a joke. Did that mean he was right to ask the question? That was the thing about Richie. He never knew when he wanted to be genuinely serious or just brush it off with humor or detachment. Eddie knows he protects himself with anything he can. What was he trying to protect himself from? Himself? It couldn’t be. “I mean… you saved me. Even when the others were ready to give up… you  _ didn’t _ . Why?”

Eddie saw one hundred different emotions across Richie’s face. More than he had ever seen on him. Finally, he sighed in defeat, and all in one breath he said, “I’ve been in love with you since I met you.”

_ What?  _ He loves…me? “And I know you’re married to a woman, obviously, but… I guess I had to say it some time right? Eddie, you almost died. It made me realize I had to tell you because what’s the point of it if I never tell you? Anyway… I’ll just let you see the others now. They insisted I see you alone, after… everything.” When Richie began walking away, Eddie shook his head and declared, “You are an idiot.” Richie looked shocked. “What?” Eddie took a deep breath. He couldn’t be scared anymore. It was time to start living his life. “I feel the same way, Richie.” 

He almost wanted to laugh at Richie’s expression. “ _What?_ ” He started pacing back and forth and finally looked at Eddie. “And your wife?” Eddie  let out a nervous breath. “I kinda decided to leave her before we had even gone to go defeat Pennywise.” Richie laughed in disbelief and finally fell to his knees next to the hospital bed, overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. “When?” He croaked out. Eddie did laugh then, breathless. “Um, pretty much the same time you did. Although it took me a while to remember exactly how I felt. Richie, I need water.” It was like Richie had been kick-started back to life. “Of co-course.” When he went to the sink, Eddie teased, “Thanks,  _ Bill _ .” Richie shouted, “Hey! Excuse me for being a little shocked for getting everything I ever wanted in the span of five  _ minutes _ .” 

Eddie giggled in happiness at that. They were done being haunted by ‘what ifs’. Richie had seemed to be doing the same thing as him. He hadn’t been trying to protect himself from Eddie but rather all the details that shouldn’t have mattered when it came down to it. Derry, the clown, bullies, his mother. It all just didn’t matter, not anymore. They were happy,  _ that  _ matters.

When he finally took a big gulp of water, he set it aside and pulled Richie in for a kiss. It was everything he ever thought it would be. Passionate, yet tender in the overwhelmingness of a new way to express their love for each other. He was so used to expressing their affection through  _ noise  _ that it was nice to just  _ be _ . They didn’t need a reason anymore. 

When they finally pulled apart, Eddie breathed, “I’m glad you were fast with the water because I was getting ready to kiss you with dry lips and that would have been unenjoyable for both of us.” Richie chuckled. “It could never be unenjoyable to kiss you, Eds.” He just smiled instead of correcting the nickname. Eddie smiled even wider when the other Losers came into the room, shouting ‘finally’s and exchanging money in their supposed bets of when they would get together. Living, it seemed great already.

______________

Eddie walked through the door of Richie’s studio apartment in Los Angeles. It had been six months since the day he and Richie finally admitted their feelings for each other. He smiled when he recalled right before they left Derry, for good. 

_ “Come on, Eds! I know you broke your ribs and all but I want to show this to you before I wake up from this insanely good realistic dream. Eddie rolled his eyes fondly as he got out of Richie’s mustang. “It’s not a dream, dumbass.” Richie’s smile was so bright, he swears it blinds him. “I know, just wanted to hear you say it.” Eddie laughed. “It's a nice change, you wanting to hear my voice instead of your own.”  _

_ Richie gasped in mock offense. “I always want to hear your voice. Mine just gives me a career.” Eddie walked closer to where Richie was, The Kissing Bridge. Why would Richie want to bring him here? He knew Ben wasn’t particularly fond of this place. That was the only connection he could think of. “A career I’m still astounded you have.” Richie chuckled. “Well, it's paying for your medical care so I hope you appreciate that career.” Eddie shook his head at that. Richie knows he didn’t have to pay for anything, but he had insisted. Something about Eddie not having to feel pressured to deal with his financial situation since he was getting a divorce. “Beep beep, Richie. You know I do. Now, why are we here?” _

_ Eddie raised his brow when Richie started fidgeting. “Well, I had to show you something before we left this shithole for good. It’s something I used to think would be the end of the world if it was ever discovered.” He looked down at the bridge curiously and gasped. “Richie… is that…?”  _

_ “Yeah, thirteen-year-old Richie was a big closeted romantic. And gay. Obviously.” Eddie was overwhelmed. He used to pass this bridge all the time and he had seen it. It was hard to miss, it was one of the biggest carvings on the bridge.  _ If he had known…  _ He could see it had faded with age and the  _ E  _ was a bit lighter than the  _ R.  _ It made Eddie sad. He couldn’t  _ _ blame him. “I’ve seen it before.” Eddie laughed in amusement at Richie’s astonished expression. “Come on, man. Look at it.” Richie did and smiled. “I wanted it to be seen and not seen at the same time, you know?” Eddie nodded in understanding. “We really were idiots, huh?”  _

_ “Still are.” Richie replied. As Eddie laughed in agreement, Richie took out a knife. “Richie! You’re really going to recarve it? That’s graffiti!” Richie just smiled and said, “Of course I am Eds. It needs to get a proper carving. I’m not afraid anymore. I want all the assholes of Derry to know I had and still do, have a big gay crush on you.” Eddie laughed even harder at that, watching Richie carving their initials in. Yep, they were idiots but they were also happy idiots. _

Eddie was startled out of his memory when he felt big arms wrap around him from behind. He smiled like an idiot,  _ again _ . “I know it's not exactly what you probably had in New York but… I promise I’ll let you do whatever you want to the place. I never really got around to decorating the place.” Eddie shook his head and turned around in Richie’s arms. “No, it's perfect and  _ yes  _ I will decorate it and  _ clean it  _ if I know you as well as I think I do.” Richie grinned, “Yes, I think you do Eds.” Eddie knew Richie, he always did. But, finally, he also knew himself.

______________

_ “You wanna share a toothbrush since you know, we already share saliva?” Richie laughed and ducked when Eddie threw a hairbrush at him from their bed in answer. He entered the bathroom, still smiling. Eddie stared at himself in the mirror. He knows how he came to be this way. He was a forty-year-old man, but he still knew who he was. He was Eddie Kaspbrak, one of the members of The Loser’s Club. One of the seven people that defeated an evil space clown. His frown lines were slowly returning to laughing lines. He loved to get loud. He loved to explore and learn different  _ things. He was gay. He was a best friend. The first person Richie Tozier ever loved. And the last. He recognized his reflection in the mirror.

_ Look at me. _


End file.
